Shit I should probably say

K then. Where to start... Well, first, the reason I'm even posting something like this is because I'm trying to figure it out still for myself. And it is a bit to figure out.

Alright, know how my profile says everyone thinks I'm crazy? That's what psychiatrists say. And this is an issue I think the medical community (conformity committee, in this case -.-#) needs to look closer into: What is the difference between mental disorder and a different way of thinking? I'd say they're blurring the line too far: partly because I haven't been off "medicine" since 3rd grade. It's always been either concentration medicine (Adderall, Strattera, Ritalin, all of which I have been prescribed), anti-depressants (Effexxor, which I'm not sure of how to spell, Wellbutrin, Zoloft), or at one point an anti-depressant that doubles as a sleep aid, which made my heart rate rise to 200 bpm during gym class. There are more of the anti-depressants, but I can't remember what they're called. I have had 3 psychiatrists: one in my home town, one down by Indy, and another up in Fort Wayne, kind of the big city for northeastern Indiana. Mum simply adores the one in Fort Wayne, since she says he's very good about prescriptions and trying new things when current methods aren't cutting it. He's also on TV. Aside from those, I've even had machine evaluations: yesterday I took a test on a computer in Fort Wayne, which was a series of problems like memory, organization, and quick response. As a matter of fact, the first part of the test was to see how fast I could tap the space bar. Very redundant, very boring, and 45 minutes in a chilly office. Great way to spend a Thursday afternoon, right? So I've done all these things, and what have I been told about what my "disorder" is? Nothing. It sort of goes between ADD and ADHD, depending on who I'm talking to.

Now, though, I've demanded to be allowed to stop taking medicine. I'm allowed to, but I have to taper off the current dosage of what I'm on now (Wellbutrin, 450 fuckin milligrams per day) or else I'll become unstable and either go into a depression so bad I could commit suicide (as I'm told. I considered it a few times before, actually) or I'll get sick some other way. Point is, when you decide you don't want to take the pills anymore, you have to do it slowly. So I'm taking two for a week, then one for a week, then none at all. Why am I doing this? Why don't I just stick with what I'm doing and listen to the guys with the degrees? Because I hate the fact that I'm living on side effects. I hate the fact that I can't remember whether I'm an upbeat kind of person, a pessimist, an optimist, or just a neutral sort of personality. I don't know my personality. It's been changed too many times. And I can't remember what I was like before 3rd grade anyways, so that's out of the question.

Now, normally, I would keep this to myself. I would be thinking "Well, I don't want people to think I'm some mental patient with a head injury or any shit like that," but I've decided that's not going to solve anything. To get over something, especially for a girl, you have to vent. You just have to. You also have to decide whether your reputation is bad enough already that maybe putting something like this out in the open won't hurt you any. Because I know I have nowhere to go but up. My grades are shit, I don't like talking in public at ALL, and I look pissed off when I'm not. So, yeah, nowhere else to go. It always hurts to fall down again, but I think I'm pretty used to that. I'm used to my dad saying how pathetic I am, how I don't have a future if things keep going the way they are. I'm used to that. I'm used to hearing everyone who examines my head/personality/worth to society, whatever, say "Oh you're so bright, I'm just amazed. You're smart and creative, and ." If that's so, why do I fail so much?

I know I can only blame myself for how I am, but I'll be human and point the finger at something else. School. Standardized education. Standardized tests. Standards of perfection. Average grades. All these things that I can't get at. School seems to be, for me, at least, where someone can go to be told what all is wrong with them. You learn in school what sucks about you and how you should change it. Imagine that, someone telling you how to be acceptable. Seems a bit like trying to teach emotions. You should figure it out for yourself. But you can't tell anyone older than you, teachers, what's wrong about them. They don't like that... In fact, you can get in trouble for criticizing the way someone teaches. But enough on that. At school you can also learn what it's like to be dismissed by everyone else. Closed minds see you as wrong, since they don't understand what you're all about. I know it sounds so cliche to say "No one understands me," but I think I have the right to say that. I make a joke, no one gets it but the teacher. I suggest a good topic for a group project, everyone else wants to do something that requires the least amount of effort possible. See, I'm one of those who like to do a good job. If I'm interested, hell, I'll do an awesome job on it. Because of this mentality, I was the only one to get an A for a project in 7th grade. I wrote an essay about bullying, on a whim, and showed it to an English teacher. That essay is going to be in the literature of the oppressed class. I wrote a poem in the daybook. The teacher, a very, very, intelligent lady named Billy Kreigh, wanted a copy of it.

Note, this is taking FOREVER to type and think out since I have a splitting headache from trying to cleanse my blood of the drugs.

But, I do these things only once in a while. Most of the time, what the class is doing is something I have no interest in whatsoever. I don't "have any feelings" about the damn daybook excerpt, I don't give a damn about the color wheel, and I certainly don't think it matters whether I can or can't remember what shape the orbitals of electrons in an atom around the nucleus are. But those are standards that must be met, according to the board of education. I've got homework most of the time that my mother and father can't help me with because they never had to learn anything as complex or specialized when they were in school.

But that's all I have to say for now. My sister came home from college for the weekend, and she wants to use the internet.


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